Friday, January 6

I want the old one back

So, I had a very strange thought in the shower this morning, and I'm not sure quite how I connected all this, so bear with me...

Oh, and I apologize in advance for the horrific image this post will leave in your head. :-)

Every morning after my shower, I have to use a squeegee (is that how you spell that??) to wipe down the glass enclosure. Believe me, if I didn't, there would be a huge disaster, and lots of elbow grease to correct the mistake! Last week, my husband put our squeegee through the dishwasher to clean it up. Nice thought, and well executed. Unfortunately, the dishwasher was a wee bit too hot for the thing, and it ended up not being able to perform it's duties afterward.

New squeegee in hand, I proceeded to wipe down the glass, and was frustrated by how poorly the new one performed. The old one was exactly the right width, and did a fantastic job of removing the water without leaving behind bits I had to go back and get again. The new one? Not so much. I started wishing for my old one back, just the way it was.

And then I had a thought.

That is exactly how I felt after my cancer treatments were done. I wanted the old me back, just the way it was. Old body (issues and all.) Old mindset (I'm young and don't have to think about death or illness for a while.) Old life.

I'm sure there are other traumas and tragedies in life that leave you feeling this way. Loss of a loved one or close friend. Child with a newly diagnosed health issue. Returning from a war. They all leave us feeling like we lost something we'd like back.

Now, 5 years out, I'm starting to believe my new life is better. I'm more tuned in to life. I'm much more appreciative of things. I see the scars all over my body and realize that I earned those babies! And while I'm not 100% proud of my body, I sure am more comfortable working with what I've got. I'm not longer ashamed of me.

Life is a journey. I'm still on mine. But now, I'm fully engaged in the moments that make up my life. I'm aware that I can change things, and I can accept things when I need to. I'm striving to live the life that makes me the most happy, and I'm not worrying about living a life that others think is appropriate.

Everyone has their own path. Be comfortable on yours. Seek out what makes you happy. Appreciate the joy you feel when you feel it. Share that joy with others, and encourage them to experience their own journey in their own way. What's good for you may not be for them, but that doesn't stop either of you from having a fulfilling life.

OK. I'm sure I've totally lost some of you with this post. I'm not so sure I totally understand my thoughts here, either. I know this: Life is amazing, and fully engaging in living it is even better!


  1. You did not lose me. I get it completely. Great blog. Here's to a bright shiny future even after the dish washer (or cancer) changes everything.

  2. Jen: so glad I didn't ramble and confuse you! To our bright, shiny futures!! Thanks for stopping by.

  3. Love you friend. You are xo