I don't know if I've blogged about this before, but I have been a bit addicted to yoga lately. A neighbor has been teaching yoga for over 20 years, and I finally started taking classes this summer. Now, I've taken yoga classes before. Lots of 'em. But about the 3rd class into it, I had an strange experience that really helped open me. I don't know if it's because I have alot of emotional stuff to get through or what, but I had a moment in all the zen of focusing on myself that just changed me.
Tears, lots and lots of tears. I felt like in all the pain of certain poses (since I'm not exactly a yogi, some poses are very difficult for me) I reached a place inside myself that was in just as much pain. It welled up and overfloweth me in that moment. I couldn't hold back, and ended up in child's pose in a loud puddle of tears and sobbing. Even though I didn't know most of my fellow practitioners well, I felt completely safe thanks to my neighbor. It was one of the most healing things I have experienced in my life.
It was clear in that moment that I have not moved beyond my cancer. Oh sure, I've been celebrating my 5 year mark, and living life without worrying about cancer these days. I was sure that I had successfully weathered the emotional storm of cancer and navigated my way through it unscathed. As that one moment taught me, impossible!
I have an immense appreciation for those of you who can easily clear toxic emotions. I have always been in the camp of "stuff it and it'll go away." Turns out emotions have a strange way of coming back up when you least expect it.
I've been working on this for months now. It has been a unique experience for me. Since I've had such a positive experience so far, I decided to take my instructor's Chakra class. It was a 2-day class, with information and explanation of Chakras on day 1, and an experiential component on day 2. I have had some experience with Chakras before, when I've had healing touch therapy. So, I was no stranger to any of that stuff. But participating in day 2's program has left me feeling... strange, confused, and lost.
The actual thing we did as a group is nothing that strange-- just some breathing in a particular way, focusing on the Chakras one at a time. I think it might be all the emotions that this method of breathing has brought to the surface that I'm a bit wigged out by. Maybe I just can't sort through them all right now. Maybe it just takes time. Or maybe it has something to do with my husband telling me all this yoga practice I've been involved in is a kind of religion. (I hate how his words end up circling around in my head when I don't agree with him!) The religion issue is a very long post for another time, but suffice it to say, I am not a religion fan personally. If it helps you and you feel a connection to some religion or group, I applaud you. I just don't. And I've spent my entire adult life trying to get my family and some friends to understand that. *sigh*
This morning in yoga class, I had a moment of pain (physically and emotionally.) I suppose it's something I will be feeling for a very long while. Or until I can sort through it all. But, from the way things feel today, there's an awful lot of stuff to sort.
I guess my point is this: do not ever feel that you should be "over" cancer, or any of the emotions associated with them. Every and all reactions are normal. Just don't let them simmer. Get them out, turn them over, check them out. That is truly the only way you're going to be able to release them once and for all.
Namaste
Wednesday, September 21
Thursday, August 25
Lessons in parenthood
It's that time of year again, folks. School has begun around here, and that means alot of getting up early, going to bed earlier than we'd like, and your basic disruption of all that is fun. Boo!
My kids like school just fine. Unfortunately, their just like their Momma, in that they hate having to go somewhere like school (or work) when they'd rather be playing with friends and having no schedule at all.
Every year, along with the start of school and all that entails, there's one other thing that starts up this time of year. And I dread it every. single. year. PARENTING!!
I don't mean the normal "eat your veggies" or "it's your bedtime" type stuff. That's fairly easy parenting stuff for me. I'm talking about those times when it would be so much easier if I could just be their friend and give them one more chance. You know, one more chance after the hundreds of chances they've already been given, but most of the time didn't even know they'd received it? It would mean avoiding that hateful stare I get when they don't get their way. Avoiding the feeling that I've somehow disappointed them, and that they might never, ever forgive me.
Obviously, parenting occurs all year round. But once school starts, there's more structure, deadlines, and stress. And lots less time to play with friends and just be. So, at least around here, there seems to be an uptick in the number of times I have to keep my kids' feet to the fire (so to speak) once the school year begins.
Do you know why I always end up choosing to be the parent over being the friend? I remember that I truly care how well they turn out. I want them to be great people, and I want everyone they meet to think that they are, too.
When I was going through cancer treatments, there were many times that I just wanted to be their friend and do the fun stuff. I just didn't want them to remember me as the mean mom. I was afraid that I'd be dead before they could have very many good memories of their mom. It was a horrible place to be!
Now, 5 years out, I see the rewards of being their parent, even when I didn't want to. They're responsible for themselves (as much as a 10 and 7 year old can be.) They're respectful of others. They have their own ideas of how to get things done and how to treat people. And they surprise me with their insights into relationships. My kids are really great people!
Thinking about the bigger picture and seeing the results of that are endlessly rewarding. No one ever said that parenthood would be easy. But I don't think it's possible to express to others how much joy and happiness you receive in return.
My kids like school just fine. Unfortunately, their just like their Momma, in that they hate having to go somewhere like school (or work) when they'd rather be playing with friends and having no schedule at all.
Every year, along with the start of school and all that entails, there's one other thing that starts up this time of year. And I dread it every. single. year. PARENTING!!
I don't mean the normal "eat your veggies" or "it's your bedtime" type stuff. That's fairly easy parenting stuff for me. I'm talking about those times when it would be so much easier if I could just be their friend and give them one more chance. You know, one more chance after the hundreds of chances they've already been given, but most of the time didn't even know they'd received it? It would mean avoiding that hateful stare I get when they don't get their way. Avoiding the feeling that I've somehow disappointed them, and that they might never, ever forgive me.
Obviously, parenting occurs all year round. But once school starts, there's more structure, deadlines, and stress. And lots less time to play with friends and just be. So, at least around here, there seems to be an uptick in the number of times I have to keep my kids' feet to the fire (so to speak) once the school year begins.
Do you know why I always end up choosing to be the parent over being the friend? I remember that I truly care how well they turn out. I want them to be great people, and I want everyone they meet to think that they are, too.
When I was going through cancer treatments, there were many times that I just wanted to be their friend and do the fun stuff. I just didn't want them to remember me as the mean mom. I was afraid that I'd be dead before they could have very many good memories of their mom. It was a horrible place to be!
Now, 5 years out, I see the rewards of being their parent, even when I didn't want to. They're responsible for themselves (as much as a 10 and 7 year old can be.) They're respectful of others. They have their own ideas of how to get things done and how to treat people. And they surprise me with their insights into relationships. My kids are really great people!
Thinking about the bigger picture and seeing the results of that are endlessly rewarding. No one ever said that parenthood would be easy. But I don't think it's possible to express to others how much joy and happiness you receive in return.
Monday, August 22
2 Days
I spent the better part of the week my son was away at camp worrying about him and wondering what he was up to. I even went so far as to dream about when he's back home, waxing nostalgic about how our family would be whole again. And, for the most part, it is.
It took all of 2 days for things to go downhill. Back to the normal, "I hate you" (directed towards his sister) and all the other hysterics that occur with a 10 year old in the house. 2 days!!
While I'm still so very glad he's home and back with us, I do wish the effect had lasted a bit longer. *sigh*
On the bright side, school starts in 2 days. :-)
It took all of 2 days for things to go downhill. Back to the normal, "I hate you" (directed towards his sister) and all the other hysterics that occur with a 10 year old in the house. 2 days!!
While I'm still so very glad he's home and back with us, I do wish the effect had lasted a bit longer. *sigh*
On the bright side, school starts in 2 days. :-)
Truth in job interviews: Yes? or Can it!
Looking for work sucks!
Looking for work after having taken a few (5) years off? Really sucks!
No matter what the reason you left the working world was, trying to get back in it after a while is not an easy task. People don't look kindly on those of us who "took time to be with our kids while they were young." Or whatever reason you give for your extended "vacation." My instinct is to just tell the truth, but my husband tells me cancer won't get me any pity in the work world. It'll just get my resume added to the round file. So, I do my best to put on a happy face and give the most vague reasons ever for why I've been out of the work world for so long. It sucks!
When I was in college, I chose a career field that was in healthcare. A no-brainer, everyone said. There will always be a need for healthcare workers. I even hear it today on all those stupid commercials for those for-profit colleges. I chose dental hygiene for it's flexibility, it's impact on individuals, and it's pay. For a very long time, I could get a job any time I wanted, and could be fairly picky on who I wanted to work for. Usually, I picked those dentists who acted as though they wanted to work "with" me and treated me as more of a partner in his/her practice.
Those were good times.
Nowadays, things couldn't be more different. There are hardly any positions open for my field, and those that are happen to be at places I would prefer not to set foot in. (For the most part, anyway.) It sucks!
I know my field isn't the only one with these problems. I know lots of you out there are struggling to find a job, too. And, damnit, this economy is not helping any of us one little bit! I feel your pain, friends.
What I really want to know is this: if any of you are cancer survivors, do you tell your possible bosses about your reason for taking time off? Do you tell the God's honest truth, that you didn't really want to quit, but your cancer and treatments gave you no choice? Or do you find the most vague reason you can think of for why you're back after all this time? And which way do you think would work best? I mean, eventually these people will find out, right? That is, if we end up with the job.
I'm just looking for some real-world experience here. I'd love to hear what you all have decided to do in this position, and why. And if it worked for you, that would be great to share as well.
For the rest of us still looking, don't let yourself give up! They say things are looking up, and I just really want to believe that. :-)
Looking for work after having taken a few (5) years off? Really sucks!
No matter what the reason you left the working world was, trying to get back in it after a while is not an easy task. People don't look kindly on those of us who "took time to be with our kids while they were young." Or whatever reason you give for your extended "vacation." My instinct is to just tell the truth, but my husband tells me cancer won't get me any pity in the work world. It'll just get my resume added to the round file. So, I do my best to put on a happy face and give the most vague reasons ever for why I've been out of the work world for so long. It sucks!
When I was in college, I chose a career field that was in healthcare. A no-brainer, everyone said. There will always be a need for healthcare workers. I even hear it today on all those stupid commercials for those for-profit colleges. I chose dental hygiene for it's flexibility, it's impact on individuals, and it's pay. For a very long time, I could get a job any time I wanted, and could be fairly picky on who I wanted to work for. Usually, I picked those dentists who acted as though they wanted to work "with" me and treated me as more of a partner in his/her practice.
Those were good times.
Nowadays, things couldn't be more different. There are hardly any positions open for my field, and those that are happen to be at places I would prefer not to set foot in. (For the most part, anyway.) It sucks!
I know my field isn't the only one with these problems. I know lots of you out there are struggling to find a job, too. And, damnit, this economy is not helping any of us one little bit! I feel your pain, friends.
What I really want to know is this: if any of you are cancer survivors, do you tell your possible bosses about your reason for taking time off? Do you tell the God's honest truth, that you didn't really want to quit, but your cancer and treatments gave you no choice? Or do you find the most vague reason you can think of for why you're back after all this time? And which way do you think would work best? I mean, eventually these people will find out, right? That is, if we end up with the job.
I'm just looking for some real-world experience here. I'd love to hear what you all have decided to do in this position, and why. And if it worked for you, that would be great to share as well.
For the rest of us still looking, don't let yourself give up! They say things are looking up, and I just really want to believe that. :-)
Friday, August 19
Summer camp and homecoming
I officially feel old. (And in my world, that's not a bad thing!)
My 10 year old son went off to camp for a week this year. There was alot of excitement, up until the moment I left him waiting for the bus to pick him up with all his fellow campers. At that moment his expression said it all, "I wanna go home!" I had to get outa dodge quick, before he really did change his mind!
Today, the whole family made the 1.5 hour trek to pick him up from camp. In the middle of a Friday, during a busy workday for my husband. Not the best timing, I must admit. And there were many folks who felt they needed to deter me from doing it. "Why don't you just let him take the bus back?" "He's not gonna want to see you at camp!" "Poor Mommy can't handle not being in charge of it all." (That last one was said with a very mocking, sad face. Not nice.)
To all those who doubted my sanity, I understand. I don't agree with you, but I understand. How many 10 year old boys would, upon seeing his family coming down the hill to pick him up, take off running and meet us halfway and give his mother the biggest hug ever? In front of all the other campers?
Yep. That's right. THIS Momma's boy, and all around cool dude, did just that.
And at that moment, all was once again right with my world. :-)
I love you, buddy, and I'm so glad you're home!
My 10 year old son went off to camp for a week this year. There was alot of excitement, up until the moment I left him waiting for the bus to pick him up with all his fellow campers. At that moment his expression said it all, "I wanna go home!" I had to get outa dodge quick, before he really did change his mind!
Today, the whole family made the 1.5 hour trek to pick him up from camp. In the middle of a Friday, during a busy workday for my husband. Not the best timing, I must admit. And there were many folks who felt they needed to deter me from doing it. "Why don't you just let him take the bus back?" "He's not gonna want to see you at camp!" "Poor Mommy can't handle not being in charge of it all." (That last one was said with a very mocking, sad face. Not nice.)
To all those who doubted my sanity, I understand. I don't agree with you, but I understand. How many 10 year old boys would, upon seeing his family coming down the hill to pick him up, take off running and meet us halfway and give his mother the biggest hug ever? In front of all the other campers?
Yep. That's right. THIS Momma's boy, and all around cool dude, did just that.
And at that moment, all was once again right with my world. :-)
I love you, buddy, and I'm so glad you're home!
Tuesday, July 26
Get ready to hear my voice!!!
Eeeek!
I'm so excited, and so nervous, and nearly beyond words. (But really, did you ever think I'D be beyond words???)
My very good friend hosts a community radio show locally, and she has invited me to be a guest!! (Check out their site, and their show.) Of course, in October. You know, breast cancer awareness month. (I despise Pinktober.)
So, to reverse my feelings on the whole awareness month thing, I've chosen to be a guest on her show on my birthday. That should make me happier than normal to be talking about things with complete and total strangers, right?
Good Lord! What ever shall I talk about? I'm all ears, if all my dear readers would be kind enough to give their advice. What would you want to listen to me blather on about? Is there something specific that you think people would be more interested in hearing about?
I know this experience will be loads of fun. Especially because I'll be in good hands with my friend, C. And, of course, the listeners seem to be very compassionate people who wouldn't dare make a guest feel bad. :-)
I'm so excited, and so nervous, and nearly beyond words. (But really, did you ever think I'D be beyond words???)
My very good friend hosts a community radio show locally, and she has invited me to be a guest!! (Check out their site, and their show.) Of course, in October. You know, breast cancer awareness month. (I despise Pinktober.)
So, to reverse my feelings on the whole awareness month thing, I've chosen to be a guest on her show on my birthday. That should make me happier than normal to be talking about things with complete and total strangers, right?
Good Lord! What ever shall I talk about? I'm all ears, if all my dear readers would be kind enough to give their advice. What would you want to listen to me blather on about? Is there something specific that you think people would be more interested in hearing about?
I know this experience will be loads of fun. Especially because I'll be in good hands with my friend, C. And, of course, the listeners seem to be very compassionate people who wouldn't dare make a guest feel bad. :-)
Wednesday, July 20
Don't cry for me, I'm a winner!
I think I'm a weirdo.
Not just any ol' weirdo, but one that cries for stupid reasons.
Yes, I said stupid reasons.
I have always been the type of person that tries to keep it together in situations that you'd think I would cry in.
Sappy movies-- a few tears, and the beginnings of the "ugly cry"
Cute things my kids do-- a huge smile, and a tugging at my heart, but no tears. Usually.
I've been noticing, lately, that I have been crying while watching...
The Price is Right!
(Did you know it has been shown in over 37 countries?!)
My 10 year old loves this show, and every time someone wins, I get all verklempt. I mean, come on, why on Earth do I care that these total strangers won a prize?
And then it hit me: I have been crying over good things most of my adult life! WTH?
Didja ever watch Oprah during her "Favorite Things" shows? Good lord! I was a mess!
If you could hog-tie me and force me to watch "The Bachelorette," my guess is you'd see nary a tear. Those shows try too hard to make me cry. I can't buy it.
So now every time my son and I are watching some crazy jumping up and down lady winning some stupid prize, I am over conscious of my issue. And I squash the urge like a little bug!
And then I think of my yoga instructor, who has been trying to get me to understand how healing and cleansing crying can be. But when she talks about it, I'm usually twisted into a pretzel and crying comes easily. Not just from the poses, but from the inside somewhere deep. I end nearly every session with tears, but I always feel so great!
So, don't cry for me, I'm a weirdo. (Sung in your best "don't cry for me, Argentina" voice.)
Maybe I can get my yoga instructor to teach me how to invert my urge, so I cry when I'm sad like most people.
Not just any ol' weirdo, but one that cries for stupid reasons.
Yes, I said stupid reasons.
I have always been the type of person that tries to keep it together in situations that you'd think I would cry in.
Sappy movies-- a few tears, and the beginnings of the "ugly cry"
Cute things my kids do-- a huge smile, and a tugging at my heart, but no tears. Usually.
I've been noticing, lately, that I have been crying while watching...
The Price is Right!
(photo courtesy: Wikepedia)
My 10 year old loves this show, and every time someone wins, I get all verklempt. I mean, come on, why on Earth do I care that these total strangers won a prize?
And then it hit me: I have been crying over good things most of my adult life! WTH?
Didja ever watch Oprah during her "Favorite Things" shows? Good lord! I was a mess!
If you could hog-tie me and force me to watch "The Bachelorette," my guess is you'd see nary a tear. Those shows try too hard to make me cry. I can't buy it.
So now every time my son and I are watching some crazy jumping up and down lady winning some stupid prize, I am over conscious of my issue. And I squash the urge like a little bug!
And then I think of my yoga instructor, who has been trying to get me to understand how healing and cleansing crying can be. But when she talks about it, I'm usually twisted into a pretzel and crying comes easily. Not just from the poses, but from the inside somewhere deep. I end nearly every session with tears, but I always feel so great!
So, don't cry for me, I'm a weirdo. (Sung in your best "don't cry for me, Argentina" voice.)
Maybe I can get my yoga instructor to teach me how to invert my urge, so I cry when I'm sad like most people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)