Cancer's a bitch, no matter what she's wearing

God! Every time I try and get into a routine posting, something happens to throw a wrench into my plans!

I have been trying to decide how best to write about what's been happening around here. I haven't really figured out the best way to do it yet. :-) So, I'll just treat this as I do most other things in my life. Be blunt. Be real. Speak truth.

In March of this year, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 lymphoma. She was fine one day, and couldn't breathe the next. There were a few very scary moments where I thought we would lose her for sure. (Let's just say, spending the night in the ER watching my mother unable to breathe is not the funnest experience.)

There are many reasons this whole thing threw me. Clearly, the primary reason is that my mother had Stage 4 cancer. Not good. I was also highly frustrated with my parents, who were not handling the situation the way I would have. There were many, many delays in diagnosis and treatment, partially because they chose not to make a big stink when they needed to. In any normal situation, my parents tend to do the opposite of what my advice is. This is nothing new. I was frustrated because I had travelled that road already. Fairly recently, actually. And I knew alot about what they could be doing and what they should be doing to get things moving. I will never understand why they made the decisions they did. But my friend K reminded me that this is my mother's journey, not mine, and that I had to let her make her own decisions about her treatment and care. I will forever be grateful to K for her wise words.

Of course, the diagnosis had me having flashbacks to my own experience. It was strange to be reliving my own experience just hearing the word "cancer." It never really is over, I guess. There will always be those lingering "what if's" and fears. Watching someone you love go through this is sooooo much harder than I realized. I always knew it was difficult, and at times told my husband that I at least could "fight" it with chemo, etc. He was left to watch helplessly, hoping that things turn out ok. How horrible is that??? Now, we're all watching mom.

She has gone from being tethered to an oxygen tank 24/7 to, after 2 chemos and her latest CT scan, most of her tumors in her lungs vanishing! Chemo is no picnic, for sure. And she still has days where things are not great. But, she's had some really good days. Normal days (minus a bit of hair.) She recently celebrated her 60th birthday, with lots of friends and family here to party the night away. My parents have so many friends here that when I put together a dinner calendar, it was nearly full in 3 days!

I find myself clinging to the statistics her oncologist gave us for her cancer, even though I've always shunned them for myself. I am not a statistic, I am me. I will beat the odds. Her "odds" of remission are 80%. Those are some great stats! Better than mine ever were.

So, we're trying to keep on with life as normal as possible. My kids are yet again smack dab in the middle of a very serious health situation. I hate that they have to experience this again! With my parents living a mile away, my kids get to spend alot of time with them. When we told the kids about grandma, my daughter fell into a puddle of tears and was very scared. My son told her everything would be fine, just like it was for me. I can tell he's got some fears, though, behind that strong facade. I'm still trying to get him to voice them.

If you've found yourself at the end of this post, I have just one thought to leave you with. Life can be short. Very short. With each and every day you get, remember to JUST LIVE!

Brain games

These days I'm spending alot of time at my kids' school. Thankfully, not because of their behavior. :-)

I'm the Parent Faculty Organization President. (We aren't the PTA, because that organization requires groups to pay a membership fee to be called that. And we don't want to spend our fundraising dollars on a name.)

It's been a fair amount of work so far, but I'm loving it! I like knowing what's going on there, and knowing that I'm doing my part to make it a better place to learn.

I'm learning alot, too. I'm learning how to organize and motivate a group of volunteers. Sometimes that doesn't go so well. I'm learning how to work well in a group, and not just take everything on myself so it "gets done right." Mostly, I'm learning how to juggle a million things at one time. I'm hoping that it looks easier than it is, or we'll never have another volunteer take this position on. :-)

I'm also learning that my brain doesn't work like it used to. Chemo has changed me. It has changed my brain. I have a really hard time focusing on one task for too long. I can't seem to remember things for very long, so everything has to be in written form, either by me or whomever I'm dealing with. And I seem to get easily confused, requiring me to go back to re-read things to re-understand them. That one really drives me nuts!

Before chemo

Photo credit: National Geographic

My doctor has had me doing Sudoku and word searches to keep my brain active and try and reduce my symptoms. I don't know if it's working. Some days I feel back to normal, and others are so hard for me to get through, knowing that I'm not the same. The frustration gets me worse than anything else. My hope is that I'm getting better at hiding my issues, so others can have confidence in my abilities.

After chemo

 Photo credit: Hailey & Heather's Blog

If anyone out there has suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them. Have you had similar issues after chemo? What did you do to get your brain back? Was there a way I could have avoided this problem? Please make a comment, and let's start a conversation.

I promise, I'll remember to comment back. I just have to write it down...